Could You Be the Reason You're Still Single?

Last week, a pastor in Canada shared Sarah's story with me—a Christian single who's been searching for a husband for 24 years. Think about that for a moment: twenty-four years of praying, countless introductions, moving to larger churches (because, hey, bigger pond = more fish, right?), and trying every Christian dating app she could find. Yet here she is, still searching, still waiting.

Sadly, Sarah isn’t alone. Every week, I meet Christian singles with similar stories—people who’ve invested years, even decades, trying to find their “equally yoked” partner. They’re exhausted and frustrated, wondering: “Will I ever get married?” “Am I being too picky?” Or worse, the heartbreaking whisper: “Is there something wrong with me?”

After years of working with Christian singles, I’ve noticed something striking: often, the biggest obstacle isn’t a lack of options or even God’s timing—it’s ourselves. Many of us unknowingly sabotage our own path to marriage. In other words, we’re the reason we’re still single.

I know that stings. But here’s the good news: If you’re willing to take an honest look in the mirror, this blog could be a game changer. Let’s explore the ten types of singles I’ve most commonly encountered who unknowingly stand in their own way.

"I'm just being careful," Clara tells me after turning down yet another introduction. Her last relationship ended painfully three years ago, and since then, she's built walls so high you'd need Jacob's ladder to reach her heart.

Here's the thing: your past heartbreak is valid—it's okay to take time to heal. But don't let a temporary bandage become permanent armor.

When fear (masquerading as "being careful") starts running the show, you'll find yourself running away from the very opportunities God is placing in your path.

Here’s what I tell the Christian singles : Approach dating like an evangelist—shake off rejections like dust from your sandals and keep moving forward in faith.

Meet Zakaria : “I’ll start dating after I lose 30 pounds, get my master’s degree, and buy a house.” Sound familiar? I hear variations of this almost daily. These singles are always waiting for the “perfect moment.” — which, spoiler alert, never arrives.

While they're busy trying to create the ideal set up, they let amazing opportunities—sometimes even the right person—slip by.

Waiting until you hit your milestones—whether it’s financial, physical, or spiritual—might seem smart. But here’s the thing: those are your milestones, not God’s.

What if His will for you is not to hit those goals alone? Remember Adam—he needed a helper, and maybe your spouse is the one God has in mind to help you get there. So, stop waiting for the perfection and start paying attention to what (and who) God is placing in your life right now.

Meet Becky. She has a thriving career in finance, teaches Sunday school, recently bought herself a new home and enjoys her independence. She claims she’s ready for marriage. But when potential relationships appear, she finds reasons to back away or let things fizzle out after the first coffee date.

“I love my freedom,” she privately admits. “Marriage sounds great but I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up living life on my own terms.”

The “happily single” type is caught in a tug-of-war—they love the idea of marriage but cling even more tightly to their independence.

Here’s the truth: you can’t chase marriage while running away from it. The Bible speaks to this indecision, warning us not to be “like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6).

Make a decision: either embrace singleness fully or commit to pursuing marriage wholeheartedly.

Let me introduce Rex. At 45 and recently divorced, he’s looking for - and I quote - "a never-married woman under 30, who looks like a model, cooks like a chef, and has the spiritual depth of Elisabeth Elliot.”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with having standards. Being “picky” is good. But don’t be like Rex. Ask your self: Are you expecting things you’re not willing or able to offer? Are you asking for perfection in areas where you yourself fall short? Remember: you’re seeking a spouse, not a deity. Your future spouse will be human—flaws, quirks, and all—just like you.

And then there’s James, Rex’s cousin, who suffers from what I call "deal-breaker addiction." His list of “must-haves” is longer than the book of Leviticus: must have black hair, must have a Jewish nose, must live in his town, must be water-baptized, must wear no jewelry, must align perfectly with my political views—and that’s just the beginning.

There are no “nice-to-haves” in James’s world—every one of his preferences is a deal breaker. Now, at 43, James is still single, and unless he changes, it’s likely he’ll die single.

Here's my wisdom nugget for Christian singles: The only real deal-breaker should be someone who genuinely loves Christ and is committed to growing in Christ with you. Everything else? Negotiable.

Anita says her deal-breakers are simple: she just wants a “man who loves Jesus with all his heart, has never been married, and has a stable career.” Sounds reasonable, right? But then she rejects godly men—genuine believers who meet all those criteria.

The truth? Anita’s stated “deal-breakers” aren’t her actual ones. She says she wants a godly man, but what her real “deal breaker” is her version of tall, dark, and handsome.

Sheba’s story perfectly illustrates the “Snap judge” type. She rejected a perfect match simply because he mentioned in his bio that he loved watching movies. That was enough for her to label him "not spiritual enough” — without giving him a chance to talk or get to know his actual spiritual maturity.

Christian singles like Sheba have perfected the art of spiritual profiling based on social media posts, retweets, hearsay or shallow observations. In doing so, they risk missing out on “entertaining angels unawares.” Swapping a few messages, having a phone conversation, or even meeting up doesn’t require a huge investment - and it allows you to either confirm or dispel your assumptions and snap judgments..

Remember Nathanael, who famously asked, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” Yet, instead of clinging to his bias, he listened to Philip’s invitation to “come and see.” The result? He met the Messiah - and life was forever transformed.

"I'm not exactly a catch," Michael posted in a Christian singles group on Facebook. Unfortunately, many Christian singles internalize this kind of negative narrative so deeply that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Without realizing it, they’re setting themselves up for failure. What you believe about yourself affects how you carry yourself—your body language, conversation style, and demeanor. If you’re negative, your actions will broadcast self-doubt to potential partners.

To change your relationship status, you must first change your mindset.

I recently counseled a woman in her forties frustrated with her lack of matches on Tinder. When I asked why she chose that platform to find a Christian spouse, she was puzzled and said. "Isn’t that where everyone meets nowadays?” It’s like a vegan walking into a steakhouse and complaining that there are no vegetarian options on the menu.

Your future spouse is far more likely to be serving at a church event than swiping through secular dating apps. Be intentional about where you search: — church events, prayer gatherings, Christian matchmaking services—not bars or secular dating apps.

Finally, let’s talk about Alex, who proudly says, “I’m not here to impress anyone—if they don’t like me as I am, that’s their problem.” His unkempt appearance matches his attitude.

While it sounds confident, the “self-care skeptic” often mistakes neglect for being real. Presenting your best self isn’t fake—it’s good stewardship of what God has given you.

Here’s the truth: Someone who invests in their appearance, stays fit, practices basic hygiene, and smells good is naturally more attractive to most people than someone who doesn’t. Overlooking these “small” things can cost you big in relationships.

God desires marriage for many believers—and you might be one of them. (Not everyone is called to singleness like St. Paul!)

Here’s the bottom line: If you’re still single and don’t want to be, it’s time for some honest self-reflection. Start by asking yourself: “Which of these ten types am I?” May be you are a hybrid. What ever the answer, take it to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to help you grow and change. After all, the one person you have complete power to change is YOU.

Honest self-reflection is the start, not the end. Get a short, Scripture-grounded note every Friday on becoming, and finding, someone equally yoked.

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