“I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6’5”, blue eyes…”

This meme made the rounds a few months ago, but what’s funnier is that this is an actual life goal for a lot of people.

“I deserve princess treatment.”
“I deserve happiness.”
“I deserve peace.”

Sure. But deserve can be a dangerous word when it’s coupled with delulu.

In one of his YouTube podcasts, Myron Golden pointed out a pattern in the biblical command to be fruitful, multiply, and have dominion.

He calls it the Be–Do–Have principle.

You don’t get to have what you want by focusing on what you want to have. You get what you want by focusing on who you need to become.

Most of us are operating in reverse. We want the relationship but refuse to do the work—and we’ve barely asked who we need to become to attract it.

Scripture doesn’t beat around the bush. It’s remarkably clear that God is far more concerned with our being than with what we have or don’t have.

It’s not about your aesthetic, your couple photos, or your “hard launch.”

Just peruse the Bible and notice how often the idea of transformation pops up: New heart. Fruit of the Spirit. Renewed mind. Christ never cares about upgrading our relationship status; He’s concerned with our heart, our nature.

Yet, we’re out here planning weddings without working on ourselves.

Myron dropped the mic with this second quotable quote: “Putting in the work, works.”

Apply that to love.

If you want a patient partner, are you patient?
If you want someone disciplined, are you disciplined?
If you want someone equally yoked, do you actually follow Christ consistently?

The uncomfortable truth is that relationships don’t merely expose what you lack—they amplify it. Loudly.

And this is where we foolishly fixate on having.

We say, “God, send me my spouse.”
God says, “Become one.”

We say, “I want a godly partner.”
God says, “Develop godly character.”

We say, “Why hasn’t it happened yet?”
God says, “You’re still a work in progress.”

The Be–Do–Have principle isn’t about grinding until you die. It offers an alternative to the “I think, therefore I am” mindset and reminds us that identity comes before outcome. We are children of God, made in His image and called to serve Him in whatever we do. In doing so, we not only grow closer to Him but also discover ourselves. It may sound cyclical because it is.

Before David had a crown, an army, or a throne, Scripture already described him as a man after God’s own heart. And he still was even after he sinned. It didn’t matter who or what he had, it mattered who he WAS.

We live in a world that’s addicted to instant gratification and escapism, choosing vision boards and manifestation over meditating on the Word.

But the couples we admire rarely tumbled into healthy. They built them. Brick by boring brick.

And the great thing about working on ourselves is that it’s a win-win. If a healthy relationship comes along, you’re ready for it. If it doesn’t, you’re still refined like gold in the fire.

Either way, the season of waiting isn’t wasted. Not if the work’s happening.

So don’t focus your energy on trying to figure out why you don’t have what you want. Focus on who you are and who you’re becoming.

We all know the experience. You match with someone interesting, send a message, and then… nothing.

For many people it feels like a mystery. Sometimes the message lands, sometimes it doesn’t. But every now and then someone actually looks at the data instead of guessing.

I recently came across a thread from X user @ManOfStxxl, who analyzed 1,000 conversations to see what actually worked—and what didn’t. The patterns he uncovered were surprisingly consistent.

Out of 1,000 conversations, the first-message response rate was only 23%. i.e. 770 people never replied at all.

And here’s what stood out: the people who did respond had something in common; the opening message referenced something specific from their profile.

Not “Hey.”
Not “How’s your week going?”

And definitely not generic compliments.
“You’re beautiful.” = 8% response rate
“Love your smile.” = 12% response rate

But when the message showed you actually noticed something about the person, the numbers changed.

For example: “Is that photo from Iceland or Norway?”

This question alone pushed the response rate up to 34%.

The reason is obvious. The question connects to the travel photo in her profile. It shows attention, and attention is attractive.

Interestingly, the second message is where many conversations come to a grinding halt.

She replies to your opener. The conversation has begun. And then many people unwittingly turn it into an interview: “So what do you do for work?”

There’s nothing wrong with the question itself, but it immediately kills the energy. Suddenly the exchange feels like a job application..

What worked better was making statements instead of rapid fire questions.

Example:

Her: “Oh that’s from Iceland!”
Most people reply with another question: “How long were you there?”

Instead, something like this worked better:
“Iceland’s insane. I went last year and nearly died in a rental car on those roads.”

Now you’ve created something to react to. She laughs. She asks about your story. And suddenly it’s a conversation instead of a Q&A.

Another interesting pattern showed up in the timing of messages.

Messages sent between 8–10 PM received roughly three times more responses than messages sent in the afternoon.

The explanation is simple. At night people are relaxed, scrolling in bed and actually paying attention. During the day your message gets buried under work, notifications, and dozens of other conversations.

When it came time to ask someone out, wording made a huge difference.

This approach converted poorly: “Want to grab coffee sometime?”
Conversion rate: 19%

But when the message became specific, the results changed dramatically.
“Let’s grab coffee this week. Tuesday or Thursday work for you?”
Conversion rate: 52%

Clear plans remove friction. People don’t have to think about logistics - they just pick a day.

These real conversations tell an interesting story:
Out of 1,000, only 94 stretched past 10 messages.
47 people agreed to dates.
31 actually showed up.
That’s a 3.1% conversion rate from opening message to real-life meet-up.

Modern dating isn’t purely a volume game of endless swipes. It’s a communication craft. And sometimes the smallest change in how you start a conversation can make a surprisingly big difference.

So, here’s the winning structure that kept surfacing:
1. Reference something specific from their profile
2. Build rapport with warm statements, not rapid-fire questions
3. Add light, playful banter
4. Suggest a clear, low-pressure meet-up after ~10 solid exchanges

Following this pattern will put you in the top 3.1%. And that's awesome.