I was half-listening to Diary of a CEO the other day when Steven Bartlett asked Dr. Orion Taraban, the dating doctor, a question every guy has quietly asked himself since he was about fourteen..
"What actually makes a man attractive?"
The doctor said he's asked hundreds of women that same question. The answer hardly ever changes.
Kind. Loving. Generous. Someone who makes me feel safe.
So guys hear that and think: Great, I already am those things. And then they double down. They become even kinder. Even more available. Even more accommodating. Endlessly useful and agreeable, And somehow…nothing changes.
Then Taraban added the sentence almost every man needs to hear. "Women want kindness, love and safety from the men they're attracted to."
Those qualities matter enormously - but they don't create attraction. You can be the kindest man in the room. Without attraction, it’s like pressing the accelerator while the car is in neutral. It doesn’t go anywhere.
I’ve met dozens of Christian men like this.
They love Jesus. They have good careers. They’re kind, generous and dependable.They would be great husbands. And they are still single at 40.
They’ve confused character with attraction. Being good isn’t enough to create attraction.
Bartlett asked the obvious follow up. “So what actually builds attraction?”
The doctor’s answer wasn’t mystical. It was practical:
Dress well. Get in shape. Take care of your hygiene. And then, the part almost nobody talks about, LEARN HOW TO TALK.
Communication is far more important than most men realize. I caught the same thread on another pod. Andrew Huberman, the host, mentioned something his biochemist friend once told him: “The worst part of the job search process is that it rewards the hyper-verbal. Brilliant scientists fail interviews because communication isn’t their forte.”
Dating is no different. It rewards the hyper-verbal too. The man who can communicate has a massive advantage.
Most men treat communication as though they're delivering information. Facts. Answers. Questions. You’re sending words. She, on the other had, is meeting a person. Every text you send tells her who you are.
This is where Christian men lose a game we should be winning. We know the Bible says: “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt…” We know our speech shouldn’t be bland. It should have flavour. Create a thirst to hear more of what we have to say.
Yet some Christian conversations feel like eating dry cardboard. Our opening messages when they are interested in someone are usually: “Hey.” “How are you?” “What’s up?”
There’s nothing wrong with any of them. They’re just forgettable.
Now compare that with a guy who actually paid attention.
I see you are a ‘girl in tech’ and love to travel. Ever thought about becoming a digital nomad?"
Now there’s something to work with. She’s not replying because your message was clever. She’s replying because it was about her.
Specific beats generic. A little effort beats no effort.
You don’t have to become some slick pickup artist to do this. You just have to become interested enough to notice the person you're actually talking to.
Then there’s the opposite extreme.
Some men discover that generic conversation (Hey. Hi. Etc.) isn’t working and decide to go way too deep, way too quickly.
One woman on a Christian forum described a guy who opened with “What’s been on your heart and mind recently?”followed by “What are your current struggles?”
Bro, you don’t start in the deep end.
And then you've got those true works of art. Their communication skills are so spectacularly bad they deserve their own category.
"Looking for my Proverbs 31 woman who can cook, clean, serve, and manage the household.” or
"Seeking a submissive wife willing to be led by her husband."
One woman shared about a Christian man who opened with a whole spiel about how he's a nice guy and girls always take advantage of him. She checked his profile, saw no fit, didn't respond. Under five minutes later he was sending her abusive messages.
Which brings me to the point.
Calling yourself a nice guy doesn’t make you one.
The most neglected piece of attraction is your ability to communicate.
Before she sees your kindness... Before she sees your patience... Before she sees your faith... And every other wonderful quality you possess…She meets your words first.
Make sure they sound like someone who’s a real Christian. Grace filled. Seasoned with salt. Interesting, thoughtful, and present.
And that’s attractive.
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